i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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