Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
