Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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