they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just want to make out with him forever
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
