Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
