your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
