idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
