While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
