You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
should my penis look like a turkey
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize