apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So much rum. So many feels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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