he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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