Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
