I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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