I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
