You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
