Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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