He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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