i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
