do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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