I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
