Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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