Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
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She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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