True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
