i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
