Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
