Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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