You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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