have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
