I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
