well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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