sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
