So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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