Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
