I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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