last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
