I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
