Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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