Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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