remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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