Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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