my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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