ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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