i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
