y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I faked an abortion last night.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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