No subtext here. People are naked.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
