Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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