I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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