I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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