Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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