I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
