just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
