i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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