Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
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The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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