On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sext me about skeletons
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
