I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
