I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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