so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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