Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
