i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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