he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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