My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
